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Rude Food?

Nurse.

Both cofortable and practical, a PVC Nurse uniform is ideal wear for the modern cook.

One of my finest achievements with this blog is how many pervy people have been attracted to it. About three or four so far.  Several times a day I check the stats and of recent times, I have noticed that there have been some splendid Google search terms. I am tickled pink that little old big fat me and the fine, fantastic Foodriot.org are now attracting an altogether naughtier audience. Who knows where it will all end?

I know that for many people it is not their need for kink that drives them to dress in a PVC nurse’s outfit when they cook. The practical benefits are there for all to see: a stain-proof garment that protects the skin from hot fat, tomato juice and other cooking fluid hazards.  And yes, I think it is very clever to wear no pants at the same time, especially if using an oven, which is usually at thigh level. Trousers can be so hot.

Gimp mask

Tell me this isn't THE most practical garment for the advanced cook.

I can also see the tremendous benefits of cooking whilst wearing a gimp mask, the mouth zipped closed and padlocked.  This sensible approach will stop excessive “tasting” which is in fact excesive guzzling. For those who genuinely need to taste the food they are cooking (and I do encourage this), well, you have your master/mistress there.  Your gimp mask can be unzipped at appropriate moments and you can make an honest, thoughtful assessment of the balance of flavours in your jus.

The search terms in my stats have also revealed that there are several people who derrive great titillation from wearing ladies’ kinickers on their face. Once again, I fully support this. In fact, I have made direct reference to this in the past. There are tremendous practical aspects in facial knicker wearing. First off, when frying- off chilli in hot oil, the fumes can be very strong. They cause me to cough like a six year old trying his first cigarette. I am told ( I have yet to actually try this) that a simple pair of diaphanous knickers worn over the mouth and nose will filter out the harmful, cough-making bits of smoke. Secondly, there is an obvious hygeine benefit in wearing panties on your face: Cooks suffering from a cough or a cold will be able to sneeze and splutter without fear of contaminating anything edible, unless (in a few isolated cases) the panties themselves are edible.

You see? I’m not just a brilliant food blogger, I have a brain that teems with ideas and concepts related to kitchen health and safety.

And then there’s the people who would like to see naked wrestling in olive oil. We they would like, I’m sure, to see some sort of formal structure to this sport where there is perhaps a league and even a world championship. I think this is a brilliant idea I am sure they’d think this would be an excellent idea. Personally, I can can’t really see the attraction in participating in watching naked wrestling in olive oil. Whatever. All I know, is that I have had several searches land on Foodriot’s pages where it is quite apparent that the searcher was hoping to see some slick and shiny naked people entangled in various complicated and clever ways, and instead has been faced with a picture of a baked trout. Bad luck!

Sometimes, people surf from a properly naughty website to mine and I get to see the “referring link”. If I click the link, I can then see what erudition has engaged my readers prior to them landing on my pages. Most revealing. It appears that in order to properly appreciate my words it is first necessary to admire photographs of young men or young ladies basting each other in a selection of oils and marinades. To me, the connection is clear. In order to fully understand such concepts as kitchen cleanliness, it is first necessary to experience being truly mucky. Covered in oil/chocolate/balsamic reduction/truffle oil/beaten eggs, the student of cooking soon realises that perhaps tidiness is more appropriate in the kitchen environment, especially as when coated in ingredients, they spend a little time near a hot oven, they begin to sizzle and smell like a main course.  And this is the point at which the truly bright students of the culinary arts and sciences begin to see the benefits of owning several PVC/Latex/rubber/Spandex suits.

But wait! Before you hot-foot it down to your local sex shop to outfit yourself, consider one of several ways of enhancing your reputation as a dedicated cook. Why not go naked down to said shop. This way, you will be able to quickly try on several outfits without the inconvenience of first having to get undressed. Furthermore, when you have settled on something that tickles your fancy, you can wear it home. Passersby (time this for rush hour so as to extract the maximum effect) will all point and stare as you, a truly dedicated cook, stride purposefully towards your home, your kitchen.

To those who so tirelessly conduct research into all aspects of naked ladies and gentlemen, I feel proud that Foodriot.org has become a such a rich environment where you can migrate during lean moments in your quest for enlightenment, to feed and read to your heart’s content. To you all, I say, welcome!

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